STORY – 0
DIRECTOR – 1
ACTOR – 1
MUSIC – 1
CULT – 1
Verdict – 4/5
Pros – Will Hunting Monologues ; MIT ; Afternoon Delight
Cons – Minnie Driver
Why shouldn’t I work for the N.S.A.? That’s a tough one, but I’ll take a shot. Say I’m workin’ at the N.S.A. and somebody puts a code on my desk, somethin’ no one else can break. Maybe I take a shot at it, maybe I break it. And I’m real happy with myself, ’cause I did my job well. But maybe that code was the location of some rebel army in North Africa or the Middle East. And once they have that location, they bomb the village where the rebels are hidin’. Fifteen hundred people that I never met, I never had no problem with, get killed. Now the politicians are sayin’, ‘Oh, send in the Marines to secure the area,’ ’cause they don’t give a shit. It won’t be their kid over there gettin’ shot. Just like it wasn’t them when their number got called ’cause they were out pullin’ a tour in the National Guard. It’ll be some kid from Southie over there takin’ shrapnel in the ass. He comes back to find that the plant he used to work at got exported to the country he just got back from. And the guy who put the shrapnel in his ass got his old job, ’cause he’ll work for fifteen cents a day and no bathroom breaks.
Meanwhile he realizes the only reason he was over there in the first place was so that we could install a government that would sell us oil at a good price. And of course the oil companies used the little skirmish over there to scare up domestic oil prices. A cute little ancillary benefit for them but it ain’t helpin’ my buddy at two-fifty a gallon. They’re takin’ their sweet time bringin’ the oil back, of course, maybe they even took the liberty of hirin’ an alcoholic skipper who likes to drink martinis and fuckin’ play slalom with the icebergs. It ain’t too long ’til he hits one, spills the oil and kills all the sea life in the North Atlantic. So now my buddy’s out of work. He can’t afford to drive, so he’s walkin’ to the fuckin’ job interviews, which sucks because the schrapnel in his ass is givin’ him chronic hemorroids. And meanwhile he’s starvin’ ’cause every time he tries to get a bite to eat, the only blue plate special they’re servin’ is North Atlantic scrod with Quaker State.
So what did I think? I’m holdin’ out for somethin’ better. I figure, fuck it, while I’m at it, why not just shoot my buddy, take his job, give it to his sworn enemy, hike up gas prices, bomb a village, club a baby seal, hit the hash pipe and join the National Guard? I could be elected president.